Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
