This is not my ceiling
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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