During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
