don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
