Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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