Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
