hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
