seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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