highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
