Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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