Soap is not a condiment
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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