You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
