please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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