Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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