dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
