After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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