So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
