Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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