last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
