U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Porn is love you can see.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
