My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
