I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
