he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
