We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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