the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
