I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
