Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring me that man meat
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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