I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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