I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
