a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
