i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
