Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
