my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
