Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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