Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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