On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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