i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
