your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
