3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
