Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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