A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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