Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
