you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
