Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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