When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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