I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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