you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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