Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
