exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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