i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
