My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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