he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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