I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
