The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
