She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
