I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I died a long time ago.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
